Friday, 20 January 2012

Scottish Independence
An Englishman's view

Nicola Sturgeon: The Saviour of Scotland?

Now that Nicola (I want a second referendum) Sturgeon has once again called for a vote on Scottish independence it's time for an unbiased view from an unpatriotic Englishman.

My entire life I've had to suffer the whinging, whining and bleating of ex-pat Scots who've made their home in England. I've encountered them in every conceivable situation, from classroom to college, from work-place to wine-bar, (where they whine constantly) from buses to bar-rooms, from pub to pulpit. They infest every nook, crack and cranny of our society and body politic. They hold positions of influence and power out of all proportion to their number, talent, intelligence, wit or charm and blight our land with their pathological patriotism and contempt for all things English.

Coming from a country blessed with mostly sub-zero temperatures, their males dress in ridiculous checked tribal skirts, (reputedly wearing no underwear) this is presumably to convince the rest of the world they're a hard and hardy breed of men.

They play the most tuneless and loathsome instrument on earth, requiring a great deal of puff, of which they have an abundance and they toss telegraph-poles in wind-lashed fields for fun.

They celebrate the dreadful doggerel of the most dire poet ever to have penned vernacular verse and they celebrate his birth by eating sheep's stomachs filled with offal and recite his lamentable drivel in incomprehensible accents whilst consuming vast quantities of alcohol.

They support any national team in any sport when it's playing against England, and they complain unceasingly at the iniquity of not receiving the full revenues from what they erroneously claim is 'Scottish' oil.

They argue that they can choose independence, yet still retain the pound as their currency and our Queen as their head of state, proving beyond doubt they're as delusional as Scottish football supporters who believe that one day they'll win The World Cup.

They vote in the Westminster parliament upon purely English matters whilst we are denied any voice in legislation north of the border. Independence will permanently end this iniquitous and unconstitutional anomaly.

Why Teresa May and her Tory toffs wish to preserve The Union, when quite clearly the majority of the English would be absolutely delighted to be rid of this bellicose race of bellyaching bare-kneed barbarians, is a mystery beyond explanation. Imagine the relief we would all experience when at last, we can deport them all back over the border, to meander up the mountains, hike among the heather, languish in the lochs and gambol through the glens.

If Nicola (the nut-job nationalist) Sturgeon is truly desirous of obtaining a resounding 'YES!' to Scottish independence, then she needs to be advocating that all us English are given the vote in any proposed referendum. That way she would be assured of victory and we English would be certain of a more peaceful, happy and far less costly future existence.

So come on England! Let's all vigorously campaign for an end to this ridiculous union and fly our new flag with pride, and relief at being shot of these troublesome tartan-clad curmudgeons, once and for all.

The new Union Flag, what an improvement! 
Let's get rid of the blue and banish the blues.

1 comment:

  1. Oh James, though I disagreed on your last post, this one is absolutely spot on! I couldn't have said it better myself - congratulations of this wonderful piece of writing which tells it like it truly is!